Seven Vacuum Character Types

I do a lot of vacuuming. As such, I have a lot of time to ponder the meaning of life, and more specifically, why and how we vacuum. I have some unanswered questions, such as “why does there need to be two “u”s in the word “vacuum”?”.  I decided that perhaps others had questions too, so of course I turned to Facebook. I asked folk to tell me their weird and wonderful tales about vacuuming.

After extensive research, I have categorised and defined the following seven vacuuming character types. Like any scientific characterisation system, you may display symptoms of several of these.

The “Make it Fun” Vacuumer

It is “Vacuum Day”, but the floor looks like it could probably go another few days before needing to be done. The Make it Fun Vacuumer will sprinkle rice on the floor. They justify this behaviour by noting with satisfaction that the floor now definitely needs to be vacuumed and that they will enjoy the sound explosion as they skip their way around the house. The Make if Fun Vacuumer may also have a special “Vacuuming Outfit”. [If this sounds like you, but you don’t have a special outfit, I recommend tying a teatowel around your neck and wearing your undies on the outside.]

The Obsessive Vacuumer

This adorable soul is likely to (a) look at the floor while vacuuming, and (b) want the floor to be absolutely spotless when finished. Any possible dust or smidge of crap should be gone. This person is likely to give any possible UFO (Unidentified Filth Object) at least 7 opportunities to be sucked into the vacuum cleaner before bending down, scratching at it with their fingernail, dropping it onto the ground, and again trying to suck it up. If you know an Obsessive Vacuumer, and are a little sadistic, you might like to chop up a sticker into teeny tiny pieces and then strategically place these on the carpet in difficult to get to, yet visible, locations. Then sit back and watch the show.

The Reluctant Vacuumer

You know this person. You might be this person. This is the person who waits until the UFOs on the floor are absolutely doing their head in before dragging out the vacuum cleaner. This person doesn’t need to sprinkle rice on the floor to make the experience a noise sensation – all sorts of random UFOs are going to be banging their way up the hosepipe.

This person is also likely to have a vacuum cleaner that constantly makes a high pitched “help me” noise while it is being operated. This is because the bag has needed to be changed for the last 6 months, and the noise and red flashing lights have been “overlooked” by the Reluctant Vacuumer. The greatest hopes of the Reluctant Vacuumer are that (a) someone else does the vacuuming this month, and (b) someone else empties the blasted bag.

The Look At Me Vacuumer

This is the person who chooses to do this particular household chore in order to underline definitively that they have DONE their share of the chores this week. They will vacuum around you and under you while you are trying to complete a delicately balanced task. They are also likely to utilise tricks to make sure that the task seems more complex and physical than it needs to be, like banging the vacuum against every doorframe in the house, and perhaps taking it to pieces in front of you while muttering about “the strange high pitched noise”. After reading this blog, they will seriously consider not only sprinkling rice around the house, but also possibly a few kidney beans for the pure drama.

The Song and Dance Vacuumer

This person most definitely has a special dance outfit that they use when vacuuming. They will always have music blasting while vacuuming. They will use the hosepipe as a microphone. There are two little known subspecies of the Song and Dance Vacuumer – the Smart Song and Dance Vacuumer (this subspecies will actually turn the vacuum cleaner off before using the hosepipe as a microphone) and the Hickey Song and Dance Vacuumer (this version sports the distinctive round hickey on their cheek after a hosepipe microphoning incident went badly wrong. They always swear that next time they will turn the vacuum cleaner off before singing into it, but this subspecies rarely jumps camp).

The Make it Sexy Vacuumer

This person watches a lot of movies. They know that any boring household chore can be made into foreplay. They get their vacuuming outfit from a lockable box underneath their bed. They utilise several characteristics of other vacuuming types – but with a completely different outcome in mind. They will vacuum (in their outfit) to music (probably Barry White). They are also likely to do anything to get your attention while they are doing this chore – even if you are completing a delicately balanced task. They will play dirty tactics if they have to. Or if they want to. Let’s face it. They want to. Give in, and make sure that you pull the vacuum cleaner cord out of the wall (especially if the Make it Sexy Vacuumer also has Hickey Song and Dance Vacuumer tendencies).

The No Fuss Vacuumer

This is the rare individual that quickly and efficiently zips around the house like a blur, making minimal fuss, doing a great job and putting the vacuum cleaner away where it’s actually supposed to live. This person, while appreciated, is likely to be misunderstood by 99.1% of the population. While their vacuum cleaning successes are widely acknowledged, folk don’t trust them, because clearly something is NQR (Not Quite Right).

If you enjoyed this blog, please give it the thumbs up below, and share the bejeesus out of it on Facebook, Pinterest, Google + etc by clicking on any and all of the handy social media icons that you find on this page. I’d also love to hear what type of vacuumer you are – and if there are further character types that need to be added to this.